I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
