The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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