Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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