Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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