My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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