He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
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