before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
