I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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