Just mADE A PArabola og urine
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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