He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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