I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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