I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
