Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
