They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
