At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
