part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
