just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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