I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
