I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
