Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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