Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
