We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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