There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
