Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
