Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
