My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
