On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
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