Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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