That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
