i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
smell my finger.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Randomize
