got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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