Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
