I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
