this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
