We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
