The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
