Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Randomize
