I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
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