Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
