I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
