Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
