if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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