we have pet lesbian snakes
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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