I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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