I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
