found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I deserve this hangover.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
