Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
