When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
