Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
