I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
