I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
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